So, shut up na lang ako!

Out of the blue, a guy officemate asked me:

P: Chasen, nangyari na ba sayo yung nalungkot ka or nagalit ka?

Me:  Bakit mo natanong?

P: Kasi parati kang bungisngis. Hindi ko maimagine na malungkot ka.

Nalungkot na ba ako? Yung malungkot na malungkot?  Oo naman.    It happened four years ago, but until now, I still do not want to talk about it because until now, it still makes me feel a bit sad.  

“Nagalit na ba ako?”  The answer is in the affirmative.   But, I seldom articulate my anger.     I am not confrontational. More than I hate being angry, I hate offending others, especially those who are dear to me.  I was not raised to be palaaway.  While growing up, my mom would always tell me not to be troublesome. Pag may nang-away daw, isumbong ko daw sa teacher.  Good thing, I never experienced being bullied. Or ako ba yung bully? I don’t think so. 

When I moved here in Manila, I was informed that it is just normal to be mean.  Kakainin daw ako nang buhay dito.  True enough, I had a job wherein I was surrounded  by mean and bully people.   I was asking myself, “Saan ba sila galing? Ba’t ganun ugali nila?”  Their nastiness was incomprehensible.  However, it didn’t affect me.   I didn’t talk back. I didn’t retaliate.   The mayabang in me set in.  On my mind, sino ba sila? Hehe.  But, yes, I resigned, not because of them but because I found another job.  To cut the story short, Metro Manila did not transform me to be palaban. However, I maintain the “tiger look” face. And I’ve also stopped saying “po”  when talking to strangers (to appear palaban or authoritative).  And I am assertive, when needed (especially when it comes to work). 

I think I am kind. Hahaha.  It’s awkward to be writing this but seriously, I am kind.  Hindi lang talaga halata. Haha.     Actually, I feel that I am kind to a fault.  As I’ve said, I don’t want to offend people. Pero masakit din sa  dibdib.  One day, I feel abused and unwittingly disrespected. Then the next day, I feel sympathetic, and I become genuinely kind.  And the cycle continues.  I don’t want to hurt the feelings of others. I don’t want to antagonize them.   Gusto ko masaya lang parati, no conflict whatsoever.     I always try to understand. I always try to put myself into their shoes.  I always try to justify their acts.

Part of me says, magsalita ka na, while another part of me says, just be kind.  And right now, I choose to listen to the latter.  I resolve to just zip my lip.   My words  might cut like a knife, even if I say it in the most gentle way.   

There are situations which call for my voice to be heard.   There are also situations which require me to shut up, and be more patient...even if I am angry…even if I am hurting.    For me, talking is futile if it would breed animosity.  So, shut up na lang ako. Lol. (Dumadaniel Padilla) 

Thanks for reading even though this post is a little bit vague.