MOMMY'S GUILT

This post has been sitting in my draft folder for days already. I was a little bit hesitant to publish this because I don’t want to be judged. Actually, being judged as a woman, wife or employee doesn’t give me a fright.  But, I fear being judged as a mother. I fear being judged on how I raise my daughter.  I don’t know how to explain this to you (without oversharing) but  I feel that the world expects me to be the perfect mom to Baby C.    I am expected to shower her with so much love (which is so easy for me) and to raise her well (which is a tricky thing). Although I fear to be criticized, I still decided to click the publish box.   It’s a way for me to accept and to admit to the whole  world, that I am not perfect…that I am far from being a perfect parent but I am striving to be the bestest mom to my daughter…that I make mistakes but very willing to correct them.

Days  ago, Baby C had her monthly checkup and vaccination.   The doctor did a physical exam.  She told me that my daughter is doing well, and is reaching her developmental milestones.  I asked her to check if there is something wrong with my baby’s legs because they seem bowed.  I noticed them when I reviewed   her first steps video. I googled and found out that it's  normal that baby's legs may appear bowed, and her legs will gradually straighten.   But, I still asked the pedia. She somewhat  confirmed that Baby C is bowlegged.    I wanted to cry right then and there but still forced myself not to shed a tear.   If you’re a mom, you know that I’m not being OA.  I was devastated and   I felt so guilty.   I recalled being told by my brother in law not to put Baby C in  a carrier because it may cause bowleggedness but I didn’t obey. I was told not to use disposable diaper every day but I insisted.  I was told to massage Baby C’s legs every day but there were times that I failed to do so.  My head was screaming “I am the culprit!”    Although I believe they are myths, the what-if-they-were-true made me want to punch myself.   Although the pedia said that most bowleg cases are hereditary, I still blamed myself.   

I looked at the pedia waiting for her to retract her words.   But,  she calmly  told me that if I want, she could refer Baby C to a  pediatric orthopedic or wait until she is able to walk on her own.  I chose the latter because I was  optimistic that her legs will still straighten and will no longer need the help of an ortho. I now regret that decision and realize that I need to have her legs checked by a specialist the earliest possible time.  So, this week I will have her legs checked.

There’s more.  The pedia confirmed that Baby C has an upper lip tie.  Upper lip tie is when the  upper lip is  tied to the upper gum.  It  might affect a baby’s appetite and speech, depending on how  severe the case is.     She told me not to worry because apparently her condition does not affect her appetite and speech.    As to what to do next, we will wait until her two front teeth fully erupt.  

When I broke the news to my husband, he freaked out.   He was so worried and bothered. We even fought because he thought I was taking the matter lightly.  Well, I’m good at faking.    But, at the end of the day, we both convinced ourselves that we are still blessed because the findings are “malayo sa bituka.”