Skip to main content

MOMMY'S GUILT

This post has been sitting in my draft folder for days already. I was a little bit hesitant to publish this because I don’t want to be judged. Actually, being judged as a woman, wife or employee doesn’t give me a fright.  But, I fear being judged as a mother. I fear being judged on how I raise my daughter.  I don’t know how to explain this to you (without oversharing) but  I feel that the world expects me to be the perfect mom to Baby C.    I am expected to shower her with so much love (which is so easy for me) and to raise her well (which is a tricky thing). Although I fear to be criticized, I still decided to click the publish box.   It’s a way for me to accept and to admit to the whole  world, that I am not perfect…that I am far from being a perfect parent but I am striving to be the bestest mom to my daughter…that I make mistakes but very willing to correct them.

Days  ago, Baby C had her monthly checkup and vaccination.   The doctor did a physical exam.  She told me that my daughter is doing well, and is reaching her developmental milestones.  I asked her to check if there is something wrong with my baby’s legs because they seem bowed.  I noticed them when I reviewed   her first steps video. I googled and found out that it's  normal that baby's legs may appear bowed, and her legs will gradually straighten.   But, I still asked the pedia. She somewhat  confirmed that Baby C is bowlegged.    I wanted to cry right then and there but still forced myself not to shed a tear.   If you’re a mom, you know that I’m not being OA.  I was devastated and   I felt so guilty.   I recalled being told by my brother in law not to put Baby C in  a carrier because it may cause bowleggedness but I didn’t obey. I was told not to use disposable diaper every day but I insisted.  I was told to massage Baby C’s legs every day but there were times that I failed to do so.  My head was screaming “I am the culprit!”    Although I believe they are myths, the what-if-they-were-true made me want to punch myself.   Although the pedia said that most bowleg cases are hereditary, I still blamed myself.   

I looked at the pedia waiting for her to retract her words.   But,  she calmly  told me that if I want, she could refer Baby C to a  pediatric orthopedic or wait until she is able to walk on her own.  I chose the latter because I was  optimistic that her legs will still straighten and will no longer need the help of an ortho. I now regret that decision and realize that I need to have her legs checked by a specialist the earliest possible time.  So, this week I will have her legs checked.

There’s more.  The pedia confirmed that Baby C has an upper lip tie.  Upper lip tie is when the  upper lip is  tied to the upper gum.  It  might affect a baby’s appetite and speech, depending on how  severe the case is.     She told me not to worry because apparently her condition does not affect her appetite and speech.    As to what to do next, we will wait until her two front teeth fully erupt.  

When I broke the news to my husband, he freaked out.   He was so worried and bothered. We even fought because he thought I was taking the matter lightly.  Well, I’m good at faking.    But, at the end of the day, we both convinced ourselves that we are still blessed because the findings are “malayo sa bituka.”

  

Comments

  1. Stay strong! Kaya mo yan. It could be heartbreaking for us mommies pero like you said, bata pa si Baby C and ngayon na mas alam mo na yung situation nya, it'll be easier for you to take care of her. ♥ Much love to you and baby!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Worrier kami pareho ng asawa ko, lalo on the first year of our son. Now, he's turning 4 and i'm happy na hindi na namin sya isinusugod lagi sa ER. Dati kasi halos every month nandun kami. I think re: medical concerns, it's better to be on the defensive. Hopefully, maging maayos naman lahat with your baby.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sa awa ng Diyos, hindi pa naman na eER sa baby. Sobrang calm ko sa ibang bagay (yung husband ko ang worrier), pero nung one time na nagkasinat si baby, mangiyak ngiyak ako sa kaba. Hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin ko. Mabuti nalang nasa bahay namin nun yung mother and brother ko.
      Thank you.

      Delete
  3. i can very much relate in as far as parenting paranoia is concerned. my gosh, i have faced and hurdled all kinds of challenges at work and yet the only time i buckle is anything related to my child's health. takot na takot ako dati na manganak kasi feeling ko mamamatay ako sa pag-ire, so i told my OB-Gyne my concerns. pinasukat nya pelvic bones ko (i think para maging valid ang pagsched nya sa akin for a CS delivery) and turned out "daw" na hindi ko nga kaya manganak ng normal. i was so relieved kahit na madami akong nabasa na mas prone sa sakit ang batang pinanganak via CS because of some process that was missed to make their respiratory system more stronger daw.
    but i opted for CS. true enough, 3 weeks pa lang ang baby ko, nagkasakit na sya, ubo, sipon. imagine administering meds to a fragile 3-week old baby.bago sya nag 1yr, buwan buwan kaming nasa doctor.
    i incessantly blamed myself for being coward to opt for a normal delivery.bawat ubo ng anak ko, bawat paninikip ng paghinga dahil sa sipon, umiiyak ako.bawat lagnat, bawat paglambot ng poop, libo libo ang ginagastos ko sa overseas call sa hubby ko, sa nanay ko para lang may makausap.
    but then a friend of mine said, i tend to attach all these things to my previous experience, i tend to label everything and i tend to over analyse.the more i get worried, the more i become less effective and less efficient as a mom. im not a doctor but my mom-gut says i think baby C is still to young (not even over 36mos.) to reach a conclusive statement. ugali ko din dati ang magresearch ng magresearch sa internet up to the point na feeling ko lahat ng symptoms eh nasa anak ko. i stopped it and concentrate on being just a mom.
    be strong. cliche as it may sound but when God created woman, He equipped her with everything required to nurture and rear His creation. sabi nga ni DJ (padilla), nasa atin na ang lahat.
    cheers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for this comment Arnie.
      I feel relieved naman na Baby C can walk on her own na. Last week, nung walang pasok, nagpractice kami nang nagpractice. I also feel that the shape of her legs will improve pa pero for peace of mind din, magpapaconsult din kami sa specialist. Dapat nung "APEC week" kaya lang we opted not to go out for safety reason. Paranoid nga. haha.

      Delete

Post a Comment